"Shame has to switch sides" -Gisèle Pélicot.

This is no poem. 

It is a confession.

I was raped in my home;

by a man that I loved.

Repeatedly.

It broke something in me.

It stole the peace out of my sleep.

It fueled my insomnia.

I once confronted him only to hear

"You was moving like you wanted it."

He spoke of my body parts like individual discardable possessions.

He brought up my trauma as if they were my transgressions.

He questioned my sanity and my mental state.

I only told him I didn't like that because it felt like being rape.

He retaliated by cheated repeatedly within eye shot knowing that I was stuck.

The abuse increased heavily as I removed all of my love.

My questions and attempted discussions were met with wrathful silence.

My days were filled with selected hardships and flooded with back-handed insults.

I learned something deeper than hate results from the exploitation of love.

Shut the window

Looking for peace in chaos is pointless;

but trying to find it is addictive.

Letting it go and leaving it alone is the only solution.

I am the catalyst; a catapult for what is resistant to change.

If they scar me with malice; they'll be healed with pain.

Keeper of the Balance can release sorrow like rain. 

By HIS love I come out of battles beaming; wounded and unafraid.

Move like Sahara sands I am the sharpest blade.

Still wisdom won't let me waste myself in a space or with man.

That takes progress from my purpose and makes life quicksand.

The only thing offered is being stuck in cycles victims cannot bare to leave.

They think treachery a call  to action untrustworthy in their misdeeds.

They put all faith in tit for tat; crooked is the only way they play.

They would rob and orphan blind then weep about the bed they made.

Take flight like the breeze  I'm not what you need; 

shut the window and stay away from me.

Unspeakable

I never liked him,

there was never a time.

He was simply a monster that poisoned my mind.

I never liked him; he was cruel and unkind.

Eventually; I learned to hate.

I had the good sense to hide.

Close my eyes to black out memories, 

and prevent my souls divide .

If you keep your eyes closed 

you'll forget all the pain.

Keep your composure;

hide your tears in the rain.

Make it easy to forget about the hurt;

that is the road to stay sane.

If you keep your mouth closed 

you might not feel the shame.

If you lay in this grave,

you may escape the game.

Don't look.

I don't remember complaining. 

I just sat down and took my first pill. 

I almost died. 

Don't look.

I wonder if I could die.

I felt pain everywhere.

Too close to death to cry.

Don't look.

Be still.

Don't walk.

Don't move.

Death had pity.

Still something is missing.

Don't look.  

You'll only remember the pain.

1st wives club

I ain't taming no man.

I ain't keeping one up.

I ain't offering no dollars.

I have no water nor wages to spare.

I can't take you anywhere.

I can't be your crutch.

I can't fill out that application.

I can't pack that lunch.

I say this with love...

I don't give a fuck,

and ain't taking no shit.

I ain't swinging blows,

and ain't keeping no licks.

I will not fight for your love.

I can handle being alone.

I hate doing it by myself

I hate being alone.

I do a bid 'fore I slave for dick.

I ain't shoveling shit just to sleep in a barn.

I ain't diddling a field hand just to be on a farm.

I ain't raising a child that was abandoned as a man.

Try a single woman baby. 

I'm divorced cause I can’t .

Fostered

Nobody was there every day;

yet everyday somebody got something to say.

That girl is that...

That girl is this...

They couldn't answer what I wanted to be as a child.

They don't know if I like my food spicy or mild.

They think of me like a folklore or urban myth.

They couldn't name one science project they helped me with.

They couldn't tell you what my worst subject was or is.

Anything they got to say it's not out of love.

It's out of collective hate;

one day they just unionized against a bitch being great.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not grand at all;

I'm just not afraid to try; I'm just not afraid to fall.

I'm not afraid to take a good risk.

Nobody was there remember so for little me it went like this...

I grew up in Goodwill; they went to the mall.

When Santa brought gifts they had them all.

I got beat in the head; I got dragged by my hair.

Now that I'm grown, they are "concerned" and they "care".

I got yelled at for asking for $20 dollar shoes.

I wore the last pair till they sung the blues.

I brought my next pair myself when I was 14.

So before you tell me they worried about me...

What could you possibly mean?

April Fool's

A fucking fool was given sight;

a blinded bitch was shown the light.

Dear Mother of Fucker, 

I know that shit stings.

You got just what you was looking for

and got played like some strings.

Them cards don't match. 

A truth that lied by its very name.

Either you got to play stupid, or you got

 to take another’s blame.

My guts in pain; don't laughter give life.

You got two of the same shoes but one don't fit right.

Its just a lil bit off;

The one that's left fit like a glove.

Now who can't say shit from already showing off.

The Bridge

What does this have to do with the kids?

Everything you burned the only bridge that leads to them!

Your are related,

yet have no relation.

You playing upset,

you never celebrate them.

They learned you first

much better than me.

You burned that bridge

to try to hurt me.

Now you want me to give that relationship back?

Who can return what was never intact?

The broken promises and feelings ignored, lying, knowing you don't give a fuck.

I mourned for them like they wept for me.

You burned the bridge; I set us free.

Drink

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn.

A wise man should know do woman no harm.

The fool that chooses to will certainly be ferried to his glory.

They shall call his folly the root of her fury.

Knife in back or belly she’s innately accustomed to removing blades; 

not from strength does she; nor is she brave. 

Women can survive and navigate fueled purely by inherent unquantifiable rage.

Not revered but feared burdened to carry and calm these weapons of blood.

Laying dormant and sleep, quailed with her kindness and love.

She feeds rage peace, barters and begged this barbarity till it stayed sleep. 

It lay dormant and quiet only for a miserable fool to wake the blood thirsty beast.

No burden shall left or torment will be  spared nor lesson unearned;

be ever so mindful of the bitch you burn. 

F*ck

I stand in the face of my crime

and I humbly request my time.

I'll take each and every day,

as long as its over and stays that way.

There is a difference between you and I.

I am fighting to live, you are waiting to die.

I take ownership and stand by my plate;

you beg like a dog for scraps and wait.

I fight at a side.

You run, just to hide.

My provisions you call luck.

You cowardice, indignant fuck.

Breakdowns.

She aristocratic; he is charismatic

This bring on all the static.

That brings up all the panic.

It used to be romantic.

Now its too dramatic.

Emotions so erratic.

They start to miss the magic.

Cold as the Atlantic.

She curse him out Arabic.

He cop a new fanatic.

She laughing at his antics.

Distance is automatic. 

Opinions getting slanted.

Taking this for granted.

Love ain't just a habit.

Forgot that she a savage.

She want it, go out then grab it.

Simple so understand it.

Reaching for all the carats.

This woman is galactic.

Picture perfect graphic.

Imagine

Imagine if I only wanted to be a mom on Mother's Day.

Acting like "Fuck them kids on every other day."

Imagine I wouldn't get a job to put food in their belly;

but I got one to support my efforts of having a new cellie. 

Imagine me villainizing Dad for wanting me to contribute.

Meanwhile I'm wrecking cars; while consuming more than I distribute.

Imagine me in bed pining for penis within close proximity.

While he asking soup kitchens and church's for favors with humility.

Imagine me saying he keeps me from my children!

When I couldn't call 4-digits of one child's number to me from an correctional institution.

Imagine he takes them children that I refused to mother;

while I'm married, dating one man; and taking one as a lover.

Imagine that man move on with his life;

and I call that woman pretending to be an abused wife.

Imagine that man works on co-parenting again;

and I come with a sad story cause all I do is manipulate men.

Imagine if he finally said enough is enough;

I destroyed my family...could I still ask for his trust?

To my children

Always look around and listen carefully to the world

in crowds or silence the frequency always speaks.

The Earth lives my hearts; 

everything is energy and every energy exchanges.

Let your choices be inspired but direct because of this.

Observe every likeness of GOD that dwells within humanity;

see what is done for peace and what is sacrificed for war. 

Do not run to cells; nor race to graves.

Live by Laws of Kings and not by books of Slaves.

Be the love you needed at you lowest;

be the protector you needed at you weakest.

Use wisdom and discernment to follow the golden law of treatment.

Don't wait until your heart is shattered to leave.

If you break healing starts by picking up the pieces.

Appear to have nothing if you wish to have everything. 

Never lead with accomplishments nor possessions; 

jealousy is a disease that’s treated as a confection.

If you exchange love for money you wont be left with anything at all.

If you exchange money for love the wicked will feed on your downfall.

Remember Earth is just here; but Heaven is Home.

My loves even if  I leave I am never truly gone.

  

It was

It was weaponized incompetence.

It was financial abuse.

It was using cheating as a punishment.

It was heartache and infidelity as a means to control.

It was walking on eggshells so you wouldn't walk out. 

It was coercion.

It was covert.

It was hidden behind silence.

It was pretending not to understand.

It was destabilizing to induce stress.

It was beating without hands.

It was Stockholm Syndrome.

It was abuse man.