Survive

​I don’t care who is on his side. 

I don’t care who thinks I’m crazy or a lie. 

I don’t care who he tells about my reaction to his abuse or neglect. 

I don’t care who thinks he is nicer. 

I don’t care who thinks he is better. 

I don’t care who thinks I deserved it. 

I care that I lived when he wanted me to die. 

I care that I didn’t drown in the tears I cried. 

I care that the rage he gave me became my hedge of protection.

I care that he can’t take the peace out of my home because he will never be accepted. 

I care that I learned to cut off his gaslights to give light to my path. 

I don’t care what anyone thinks; because I was strong enough to leave his ass. 

Save herself by will

Beauty is delicate; so divinely tailored only GOD can destroy it.

A weak man will try; a sick man will cage beauty just to watch it die.

Beauty is complex; it is fear inducing and awe inspiring when caught in the act of saving itself.

Beauty can harden or soften but true beauty never fades.

It resonates from inside; beauty goes into all that beauty gave.

A beautiful spirit is a beautiful being from the cradle to the grave.

Realizations Repeated

​

I spent way too much time in the angry stage of healing.

The stage where the line that’s not to be cross is made of fire.

The act is “safety in the furrows of channeled fury”.

The “don’t play with me cause; I ain’t to be played with” scene.

Those curtains have closed. 

The stage is dark.

That act is over.

The scenes have ended.  

I am so thankful to still be the me that lived behind the mask; brave enough to face the mirror. 

And say…..

I finally did it.

Am I?

I am one with the oceans.

My soul is closest to the heart of the earth.

I am one with life,

My mind gives dreams their birth.

I am one with the waves.

A spirit dancing in the waters beaming with mirth. 

My blood is wild.

My heart sharp to touch, too fierce to be consumed.

My voice is of fury,

an icy roaring whisper attuned.

My aura is stillness after battle.

The silence after purging a festering wound.

I am a violent guardian of peace.

A war torn champion for love.

I am a warriors quietest tears,

carrying broken each utterance to heaven above.

I am the ebb and flow;

the dark moons waves and the crashing thereof.

I drink of life that remembers its death.

I connect with devotion first to last breath.

I bring chills to fire beteem passion with strength.

I carry hope to benevolence.

I release sorrow from petulance.

 

I hold grief with eloquence.

The first contact to the final touch.

I am the child of the last judge.

I am woman.

Am I not enough?

Flash Backs

Running in high heels; ducking a problem because I didn’t want none.

Just before I peaked my speed enough to break a heel and a ankle you came to break my heart.

I smile when I think about it; eyes was pink about it cause why wasn’t that enough.

Youth will make you waste a love; love will make you waste some time.

He left me drunk; so drunk I stumbled into the knife.

The blade that killed love a thousand times; and I never got relief.

It was a flowering grief that I watered from me till my own heart was weak.

Like pleasurable poison, he kept killing me just to watch me die.

When inside; I was running in high heels wondering if it was the perfect time could I have fallen into safety.

I kept running into danger; falling into darkness because I couldn’t see beyond "What happened to you?"

To ask of me… they pushed me to monsters after they slit my throat.

I almost bled out ... I stitched with needle and sewed my skin. 

Trembling hands covered in blood; I crawled to the path.

I clawed through Hell’s Kitchen and swam through the Devils Stew.

All lost but me; flesh untouched and spirit renewed.

My prayers offerings of sacrifice; I have one vice but I succumb to no devices.

I burned my will; I sacrificed my desire.

I walk behind mage and the martyr; as student or daughter.

I serve the angels that are bound to earth.

I don’t fall for lovers they aren’t worth the hurt.

In the Mournings

We will break no bread.

We will meet no place.

I will drop no guard.

You will see no face.

I know my place.

I know where I stand.

I know my enemy.

I've taken my stance.

He who failed in husbandry;

now offers me romance

No Contact

I told you I can’t help you do shit. 

I gave you too much energy; now that energy is spent.

I can’t help you relieve no burdens. 

I left with all of my own.

I can’t even help you take a piss. 

You came to my Queendom and did that on my throne.

I can't see where you are honest at; not to call you a liar. 

You pour gasoline on bridges; drop off a lit match and blame some else for the fires.

That dont make you a liar; maybe I should say an opp.

Got the nerve to ask me shit when you worst than a cop.

Go ask one of them neighbors you was sleeping around with.

My bad you just wanted a cup of water.

 

We got bottled at the house; and the bill ain't printed yet.

Your mouth stayed dry; but your dick got wet.

Bro you gotta pick it up how I’m laying it down;

I’m not your friend cause I was your clown.

You put me in every circus available in town "friend".

With a friend like you who needs an enemy then? 

You got forgiveness mixed with; a clean slate 

you did too much damage for that to date.

There is nothing to left forgive. 

The lies been processed; I have finished my bid. 

I can’t give you the space to apologize for what I already know you did.

Ain’t no reintroduction necessary we’re not family bro. 

I’m not even your co-parent; I’m somebody you used to know.

Keep it that way.

You set up the game we gonna run the whole play. 

I’m a fix this same table and I’m a eat off a new plate. 

This struggle ain’t new to me; it’s slowly getting better instead of worse I dare say.

 

Its taking me a while cause I had to put out the fires that you started. 

Redeeming my reputation from chasing flying monkeys; turning off that gaslight. 

So to every question you got my answer is hell no! Alright!

Ditzy Bitch

 

Well I guess I don’t know shit!

Yet somehow I got away from your "skits".

A fake life of drama and performance.

Love without action.

Care without thought.

Connection to deflection;

cause you never straight up.

Trailer parks and public housing

have bred greater graces.

From better stock than you;

oh "great suburban savior".

The kind that vows married and fuck freely anyhow. 

Old enough to know better; slimy enough not to give a damn. 

The kind that see every problem like a sell sword bleeding a curse.

The kind of which truth be said worse 

hide his bloody hands and screamed, "I was hit first”.

Aftermath of Wrath

​

I don’t think I can forget this feeling; 

Failing after trying it all.

I was so loyal that I betrayed myself;

and I saw it after everyone else. 

I tried to fix it with space; but I stopped

taking up my own. 

I tried to fix it with time; but I stopped

keeping track of mine. 

I tried fixing it with flesh; but “that”

wanted my bones. 

I tried fixing it by building; but “that”

wanted my rubbled home. 

I tried living in peace; but "that" kept bringing

home trouble.

I don’t think I’ll forgive this feeling;

simply for being felt. 

I don’t think I’ll try again; because once

you have to try to fix it nothing helps. 

~FIN~

Departures

I separated from it. 

I took my memories of love;

not romance just love.

Then I cut the cords;

unwound what was bound.

I let go.

I didn't fight to stick around

lover, family or friend.

Act like you want me gone

I'm going to treat it like an invitation .

Spared

I can't fight for you;

I don't even have the will.

I have a loving heart but love isn't all I feel.

I fell between lines and underneath words.

Good lust is like a high but bad love can make you ill.

Love hurts; fake love kills.

Passion is pretty; it's beautiful until it ends.

So let nothing fester and don't be afraid to let it end. 

Insomnia

My brain is a most uncommon possession.

Beautiful beyond flesh and finance;

nothing exists that I would trade it for.

I love my brain; so much that having it belong exclusively to me excites my being constantly.

It’s process either sends me to ecstasy or completely dissects what's vexing me .

Releasing my inhabitations with its divergence from the perfection I demand.

No it is not a lapse in judgment; it is inner rebellion it makes a choice and takes stance.

Handing my rationale a list of demands; and while “the mind” and me are distracted 

the fucking brain takes action.

Why is my brain independent?

My brain is mine but does not belong to me.

It is in no prison.

It lives without captivity.

My brain is free; to do what it damn well pleases.

My brain has its own audacity.

While I’m begging my brain to just act right.

We can pick up negotiations at first light.

One day late and a bottle short

I didn’t fake the funk; you didn’t earn the fuck.

You say a lot of negative shit; and you think fucked up.

You drink too much; and you done smoked your belly rotten.

You stir too much shit; you put your hands on the right one.

I’m “the wrong” for this; I don’t fuck for nothing but wisdom and knowledge. 

I see you with your understanding; reading between the lines.

You’ll always look for the problem in understanding thats including mine.